Dead inside or mind feels like yelling f**k you at the highest scream.?

you know inside & outside dont match for me you are never going to be near a 100 percent understood in that perspective here I am 15 years old wish I was dead read so many near death experiences & ask why wouldnt you go this is how I feel. everyday I drag myself to be happy to feel normal & not traumatic about past mistakes & feeling like dimitri ownes my soul for me life is like a bottle you fall in & cant get out watch everything be normal & know your not better than anything infront of you not even an animal. lifeless.. numb.. tired no sleep for days... & what do I do everyday im kept inside my home litterally & everyone has fun & thinks life is beautiful f**king possitive tools do you not see the sh*t life gives you? im behind a glass window. all the time & I feel noone hears me or looks because im not there im broken. im a broken soul. I cant even type what I want you all to read so just keep reading my f**ked up little poem or whatever. ill start again im 15 & feel like nothing is worth doing in life & I feel no-one will even try to see the pain behind the eyes. not knowing my cousin is alright on the otherside makes me upset because she was the one killed. anyway I want to go now to somewhere I dont feel I need to drag a huge weight just to get through the day.. good for you readers if you want to tell me im nuts.